a secret love affair

it was a relationship I was warned against. “you’ll only end up in trouble,” my mother taunted me. “just don’t do it,” cautioned my friends. I knew they meant well but I just couldn’t resist. maybe it was the threatening, the forbidding that was so alluring. I remember when we were introduced, I walked away with a teddy bear! less than 2 weeks later we took it to another level, having no experience I didn’t know what I was getting into, and decided to just play it by ear and go with the flow. it wasn’t until the end of the month that I realized I may have made a mistake.  I tried to ignore it, but that wasn’t possible. it just got worse and worse.

I was 18, no income, my first semester of college and had charged $600 to a credit card. my mom paid it off and made me cancel it but apparently, fical responsibility is a hard lesson to learn.

what is this fascination with credit cards anyway? is it the impulse of spending that feels so good? paying for things you can’t afford?well, actually, CHARGING things you can’t afford since I haven’t actually paid for anything. is it the power linked to the ability to charge it? is it that we don’t actually have to face what we’ve spent until later? am I like a dog and need to be held accountable at the exact moment that I do something bad in order to learn not to do it?

just today I went to buy a few beauty products I needed, things like deodarant and facial wash. why did I walk out with eye shadow, hair products I don’t need and concealer specifically formulated for blemishes? I don’t even have blemishes. my goal was to spend $20, I spent $70 on things I didn”t even need.

how can I prevent this from happening again? how can I go into a store and make sure that my spending is controlled? a quick google search says I should stop using my debit card for regular, everyday purchases. I should always have cash on hand and that I need to figure out much I’m going to need for a week and take that money out of the ATM.

they also suggested I write a blog about it. well, I guess I can feel a little good about being a step ahead of them on that.

ok, so here I am again, I’m going to take out cash for the upcoming weekend. I need to factor in dinner with a friend tomorrow, 3 parties on Saturday and laundry/grocery shopping on Sunday.

my life is too expensive.

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